As a designer, you’re used to examining things from multiple angles. You work to understand the problem before creating a solution. You tend to avoid spinning your wheels to solve problems that don’t exist. You try to stay in the moment. You realize there will always be multiple solutions, but the key to good design is finding the right solution for the present moment. Good solutions are both actionable and attainable.
Many of these attitudes were/are at play as we grow as parents. There are a few specific things we did that really helped with the beautiful and complete sh*t show that is the early months with multiples:
We designed and adjusted our spaces as we went. We spent most of our time in the living room and we optimized it for baby life. Our changing station is in the living room - we found we never used the one in their room. Our nursery started out very simply. Two cribs, a chair, lamp, sound machine, rug, side table and dresser. Over time we’ve added a small toy area, an art wall, black out curtains. In a few weeks we will probably add shelving and work on the closet. I didn’t feel the need (or have the capacity) to make the nursery perfect before the twins arrived. I think this worked out for the better. Now a year and a bit out I’m excited to start really designing their room. Especially now that I know more about their personalities.
I came back from birth really slowly. Almost achingly slowly. I didn’t have my phone for the first few days. We limited visitors in the first few weeks to close family. I listened to my body and took things so gently. I often felt pressure from others to speed it up. But, I was coping with major surgery and two new humans in the best way I could. I felt like this was one time in my life that I could turn inward and towards family completely. I soaked it up and I don’t regret it.
Simplify. We are not picky about most things: brand of diapers, wipes, hand me down clothes and toys. We used mostly Ikea furniture and furnishings we already had. We are picky about some things. Our routine. Who’s visiting when, (no energy vampires!). And food, we try to do as much organic and local as budget will allow. And while we weren’t picky about where clothes came from, I found myself using the same 8-10 outfits. So edit the clothing down to what is working for you. My twins were in diapers and swaddled for most of the first month. It was summer and not having to deal with an extra layer was nice. Same with toys. Keep them moving. Pass on to friends, Swap out from bins in the basement. Do not feel pressured to keep everything.
We accepted help, and we did it on our own when we could. There’s a delicate balance between accepting all the help and feeling incapable. My parents came almost every day in the beginning. This was so helpful because Dusty did not get paternity leave and well twins. However when we were both home, we did it on our own - we needed to know that we could. We leaned into help, celebrated every meal that was dropped off, and got so many perfectly timed texts and notes of encouragement. I know that we needed help, but I also know we needed the security of knowing we could handle this new life. It’s a balance.
I found more twin parents. I found that advice from singleton parents often hurt more than helped. They had no concept for what we were going through and so much of their advice was just not practical for us. This disconnect made me feel lonelier and more misunderstood than ever. Buuut. Maybe that is normal for new parents. Everyone’s parenting journey is different. Every child is different. Finding the rhythm that works for you is really something that no one can help you define. Buuut finding more twin parents absolutely helped. They understood the unique challenges and had more applicable (actionable?) advice. Also I can’t count the number of times that we’ve been out and had a twin parent call from across the parking lots to say, “You are doing so great! It gets easier! My twins are 17!” I think no matter what your parenting scenario, you’ll be better off if you can find other parents who align with your situation. Business owner parents, parents of boys/girls, parents with multiples, single parents. Etc. Work to find and create the community you need. It pays off.
xo, mads
p.s. What has helped you in your first years as a parent? I’m curious!
